two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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