I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
