wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
