If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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