Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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