So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
