i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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