I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's never too late to be topless.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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