So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
