I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
