On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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