I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
