The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
