Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
