i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
