Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
