Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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