So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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