There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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