Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
