i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
