I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
