I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
