You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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