Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
