does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
