So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
No stitches, just platelets and will power
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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