you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
