I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
