the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
