so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
