Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
