i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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