your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
