wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
