do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
