Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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