Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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