just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
