he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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