So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
