I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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