I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't turn off my feet"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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