3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Your face is a jimmy john
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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