The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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