she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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