he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
