He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
