ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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