just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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