I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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