Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
