U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
stop calling my apartment porn island.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
