i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
