Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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